#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
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Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.