Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
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Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Childbirth is so beautiful
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
That’s no pocket rocket.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂