Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
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I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop