Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
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As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
“That’s what” – She
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
This probably isn’t good
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do