Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
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There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
My blood type is b hungry.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
What if the weather talks about us?
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
peeping toms
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.