I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
You Might Also Like
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
A small tragedy.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.