*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
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***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much