Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
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“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.