Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
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I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
[montage of me giving-up]
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*