What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
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[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Guantanamo Bae
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*