In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
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me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.