whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
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I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents