You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
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Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.