I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
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black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic