broke down and did it
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my nickname in college
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
#dalle2
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Ha.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway