me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
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waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.