Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
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ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is