telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
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This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”