[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
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son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅