I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
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I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!