I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
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the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆