ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
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I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.