I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
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Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Oh thanks BBC.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.