People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
You Might Also Like
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.