A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
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For the ones in the back.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this