I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
You Might Also Like
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
I’m tired tomorrow.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news