Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
You Might Also Like
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
I am never leaving this website
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.