The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
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[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
🤣
The Backseat Boys