PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
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[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
i choose….tongue
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.