Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
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People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house