“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
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This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Where’s my employee discount too?
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
beware of dog
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family