if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
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The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
The three genders.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me