The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
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putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.