GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
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My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.