Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
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Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Don’t talk down to me
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad