Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
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On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.