seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
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Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
You look like you would fail a DNA test
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids