Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
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My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”