You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
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Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.