Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
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I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI