Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
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Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
cats when you pet them too long:
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
definitely did not do anything wrong
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.