[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
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Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”