Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
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Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
#Caturday
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash