[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
You Might Also Like
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
lost dog
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!