Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
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Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Fights fire with marshmallows
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.