The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
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4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*