my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
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Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
The human personality is made of five key elements
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
plums roundup
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
I am crying
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe