I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
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Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.