what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
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If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.