*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
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I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Try and stop me.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?